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Christian Jokes

"Light Bulb Theology"

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
None, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles instead.

How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But they are still in darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One plus assistance ... for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
One ... and soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many independent Baptist's does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the new lamp. Two dozen to bind the powers of darkness.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?????


What To Do During A Boring Sermon

HERE ARE SOME WAYS TO MAKE A REALLY LONG AND BORING SERMON MORE FUN:

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest/preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.

Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

Pretend to be 4 years old.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

Try to raise one eyebrow.

Crack your knuckles.

Think about your chin for an entire minute.

Twiddle your thumbs.

Twiddle your neighbors thumbs.

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

Practice smiling insincerely.


This article may be freely reproduced for non-profit ministry purposes but may not be sold in any way. For permission to use articles in your ministry, e-mail the editor, John Edmiston at johned@aibi.ph.